I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
