Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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