she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
