Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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