I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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