3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
