Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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