So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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