just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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