When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
