The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
zippers are such a cool invention
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
