Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
