If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
