Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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