The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
