Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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