he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
