Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
