I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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