i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
