I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
