I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
