I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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