Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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