This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
