Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
