quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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