I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
