Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
