I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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