I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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