i think my tv is drunk
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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