so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
