census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he thought i was a dude.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
