i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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