Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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