Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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