i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
