I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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