i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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