I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
