But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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