I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
