my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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