I smell stomach acid.
this just has baby written all over it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
