at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
40s are totally the cure
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
