low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
