Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
this boner is exhausting
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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