Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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