he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
