highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
