If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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