Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
