Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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