I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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