take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
