I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
