I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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