I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
